I Can’t Get No Satisfaction/Just Bullet the Blue Sky

You know what sucks? I’ll be walking through a beautiful forest or meditating or jacking off, and I’ll remember that kavannaugh “allegedly” sexually assaulted Dr. Christine Blasey-Ford; I say allegedly in respect to due process- even though we all know you fucking assaulted her.

Me, San Francisco, 10/09/2018z

So now y’all misogynists & fascists are invading my mind grapes? My sacred spaces too?

I can’t get no satisfaction because y’all have invaded this side of creation, and humans of all genders and races private places.

So I try to escape you. To think of and create positive mind scapes and memories in my head.

It’s like knowing each one of us is the Giver and we are processing consciousness with the pure intention to both remember each memory and enjoy it, or hate it, or try to figure it out.

That’s mainly what hiking is for me. Or driving, skiing, listening to music. I’m finding something to distract me in an entertaining way while I wrestle out a problem or thought.

I’ve thought about, worshipped, and yelled at God or some conception of a Higher Power for my entire life, so even if God is Dead or not real or some fairy in a forest dream, the character god will always be with me, with most of us, through our lives.

And god, woo, what a tough spot to be in. God is the projection of our collective conscious perception at that given time place sand and moment.

That was a typo but too perfect to change because all these sand bitches arguing over god. So when your god looks angry or with compassion that’s a conscious manifestation of what’s going on within your mind and heart.

So, are you- dad, family members, America, are you going to keep voting for ignorant and hateful self-centered individuals that you don’t even like?

I am legitimately asking and your answer will be publicized. Because you can’t be a secret sideswiper in the pulpit of coming demise without a canary in the coal mine to alert/avert disaster.

The sidewinder does not sleep tonight, trick.

I have taken this side and I will not be moved. But I will listen and contemplate and conversate with you- via the pen and the blog I know you’re reading- which I am so thankful for. I’m leaving this open-ended because I’m literally dying to know and understand what the hook’s gon be?

What’s the next step for you? And for patriarchal Christian America? You had us sheltered, home churched, home-churned more like it, but we wouldn’t know because we were vegan for 4 years and didn’t eat ice cream.

So you do speak for them, at least for me, in my eyes. What’s next? What shit are you slinging next? See the funny thing about nature is that it doesn’t weed out what it doesn’t need- that happens on its own. The generations that live beyond us are always constantly thriving and evolving.

You don’t have to be a sad holed-up obese man driving on a scooter at the San Deigo Zoo. He had to have hated me as I easily bypassed his rented hoverround. And I’m not saying that to be mean because I have no idea what he was going through, but I had the feeling like he could have walked if he wanted to but he didn’t want to- and honestly kudos to you sir 😂. Because the whole everything is so messed up.

The whole Jesus footprints in the sand motif has been modernized re-translated through scooters and motorized wheelchairs- like the one Governor HoT Wheels has never paid a dime for. So what the hook gon’ be?

Please answer the following:

Why do you vote for Ted Cruz or Trump or those types of seedy snake-oil politicians, knowing about their hardline views and tattered reputation?

Is your vote more a vote against Democrats than it is a vote to keep Republicans in office?

Because your vote is literally a vote against me,

my friends, millions of people across this country?

What do you have to stand to lose? Because you have it all already. How can you not see that you’re not living Christ’s example but my atheists and agnostic friend do.

If it is a block vote than that is so messed up and unfair because my vote, most of us who are voting for Beto and Lupe Valdez have everything to lose- universal rights, healthcare, etc.

If you guys are “scared” about the demise of America based upon some odd interpretations of events with an incorrect exegesis of Revelation and other Apocryphal literature then you have to reason to be.

But you should be scared but not of god or Satan, bebes- because that’s not even real.

I am not afraid of anything you pathetic examples of the human experiences.

You should be scared fuckers, mom, dad, even my sister voted for trump last go round- but she has recanted. Be scared that your selfish, entitled, lack-based mentalities are not being shared by your children and their children are gonna be cooler than us.

You should be scared of me because I am not afraid of anyone, anymore.

Every human that has ever lived has also died. I will die and my name and my generation will eventually be forgotten about. The only catch is that you guys, the Baby Boomers and the grandparents before them are all circling the drain a little bit more closely than us.

The next excerpt is taken from my book, Break Like Violent Fetters. I’m including that chapter in this blog post because of its relevance to the topic at hand. It’s already been written, why write it again?

Above all I just really want you to think about the points I am making and looking at it from my point of view. I’d like to understand your side as well. I am sorry that I have not always maintained a civil temperance to you lately especially in regards to these hot button issues. We need to be able to dialogue effectively instead of yelling low-balls across the aisle, across the sea, text messages, and across time and geo-political influence.

The perception of homosexual men as being weak is part of the Western patriarchy’s obsession with abhorring (whoring) anything of a feminine nature.

The whole Western world is both afraid of its own dick but aware of only part of its power- which America sticks anywhere it wants- other countries, our bedrooms, our thoughts, our hearts.

Meditation, poetry, and art appear to not mean much to those operating and perpetuating the patriarchal agenda. I think this is because most of these individuals have drowned out their own programming and do not let the inner-Self guide them. They have squawky Fox News anchors and slick-rich Pastors, people telling you absolutes based upon who they-think-God-is to do the guiding for them.

If you’ve ever wondered why Yahweh sounds like a scared angry dad sometimes just look at who wrote the damn book. People wandering in a desert, trying to do the best they could to survive, and provide for their families and loved ones.

People who externalized their misfortune by blaming other neighboring cultures, and used God’s divine will to cull, slaughter, and take over the spaces occupied by their now-cut-down and eliminated enemies. This shit is still happening now. Israel, get your shit together and come to peace with Palestine.

Honestly, that sentiment is one of the main messages of this book. Look in the shadow places, shatter your heart and mind open, and synthesize yourself into realizing and accepting the broader wide unity of all living beings, in this Universe.

Bucking the Norm, Deer- Colorado, August 2018

Thriving is not a foreign policy. The true intention of all things is to live and exhibit their full potential in harmonious symbiosis of one another. It’s not that resources are scarce. It is that the competition to own and hog resources that cause resources to appear and sometimes become scarce. Part of the collective American psyche is still out there trying to arm-wrestle every guy at that bar. Keep it in your well-endowed insecurity-ridden pants, America.

The war against women is more than a battle of the sexes. It’s a battle against the Earth itself. Gaia- the archetypal cosmic-female-mother. Man got kicked out of Eden and has been mad at her ever since.

Yellowstone National Park, August 2018

It is funny that sometimes we act towards the exact nature of what we are attempting to obtain.

Say for instance, someone doesn’t let you in while you’re driving in traffic and you knew they weren’t going to let you in because they’re driving a Ford F250 with truck nuts swaying in the wind. And they don’t let you in so you get mad at them even though you knew what the outcome would be. It is self-fulfilling prophecy.

We can justify any type of behavior with hindsight vision and often do. If we expect people to act a certain way they often will. If I see the good in someone else and try to reach them in that place they will meet me there. We are asking for grace from people who do not give it to their own selves. Grace is not something to be waited around to given by others- be it on the highway or on a cross.

I have gotten mad at friends, lovers, family members for something I know they would have flipped their shit if I had done. That unbalanced grace is usually the fuel that lit my fire even angrier. We can’t Kumbaya our way through everything. I have come to realize that even though I was right to be upset, my observation in the lack of grace extended to me by someone else- I was also holding her, him, them, outside of grace. I wanted grace then but they didn’t give it to me so I won’t give it to them now.

Communication is key in every relationship on Earth. From human to animal to plant life to our very cells. Every wave of energy pulsing outwards is either a request, an answer, appreciation or condemnation. Above all it is a mutual conversation. We are in dialogue with everything in and around us.

Damnation is so damaging to the person condemning more so than the condemned for they have often closed themselves off to their inner self in that moment. I cannot be pissed off and feel love towards most anything including myself in that moment. We can’t give from others things we don’t have already.

You will not gain acceptance from someone until you accept yourself- and you still may never get that from another but it won’t matter anymore. We’re looking for love in all the wrong places because we are taught that it is all outside of us.

That’s just one piece of the puzzle. Love is in everything we do and are. If we think someone else is holding our joy in our hands then we have already given it away. We are so much better than we know.

We must have grace for ourselves. Our perceptions and attitudes towards life shape our experiences. People on the same sidewalk or bar, community, or concentration camp, are all interpreting their experiences in different ways. I choose to focus on the beauty and goodness of life because abundance is self-evident regardless of my opinion. My inner scales fell off when I saw the inherent goodness inside of myself and began believing that person would show up more often. I think that he is.

Continental Divide, Rocky Mountains, 08/2018

The whole machismo patriarchal Yahweh goddamn Gomorrah mentality is just another attempt to stick their dicks in anything they feel inherent right to. What if the whole yin and yang battle is not two powers duking it out to win the great Abrahamic cosmic dick pissing contest with God. What if it’s not heaven and hell oppositions. What if it’s consciousness playfully expanding with itself into greater perfection?

There is a void left for those of us who have renounced our childhood faiths. We, who have been lied to about all of creation, left the dusty religions to fold upon their own bloated opulence. Don’t listen to me either, you are to discover and live your own true life.

All the Wild Horses, Nederland, Colorado, 08/2018

The years of bitterness towards anything appearing quasi-spiritual is more than understandable. It is a respite away from tyranny. I fucking gave my life and pledged my “soul” to a god who doesn’t even exist in the classically/Abrahamically conceived religions.

There is no greater betrayal to discover you hated yourself based on misinterpreted half-truths by people who said they spoke for God. I found true salvation when I acquiesced the portion Jesus had set a part for me. And now, on the otherside of the bitter years, I can see the beauty in the message. I see the world in its entirety, as a miracle.

*    *     *     *     *

Life’s Labors’ Lost-

In the wane of twilight

When thoughts spread out more broadly,

Stars streak paths in blackened sky

Up there nothing seems ungodly.

Surely it was being said

With Christ upon the cross,

For love is wed to dying

As garments drawn to moths,

Are we ever our’s alone

Before our bones and body;

And to whom do we belong again

When flesh grows worn and tawdry?

For we are more than silver

smelt from wicks of sinful dross,

“Were sacrificial Lambs and Sons

worth labors God has lost?”

It is so frustrating and fucking awful when our cells turn against us. To justify disease or suffering as a test by god is so backwards, and serves as a disempowerment to each one of us. I cannot believe that there is a being of infinite intelligence dolling out blessings and curses due to some variance of personal belief or lack of allegiance.

We are expansive and wonderful. We are free radicals in the best of ways.

When we are ravaged by illness our focus stays on the illness. What if instead we focus on the wellness we are asking for?

We may be what we eat, but more importantly, we get whatever we persistently think about.

“Man does not live by bread alone,” Jesus Christ, Matthew 4:4.

Every cell performs a specific task in our bodies. Even bacteria plays an integral, albeit gross, part too. The villains of humanity are absolute scourges upon this planet. That’s what makes the triumph over pervasive darkness so satisfying.

You can feel that statement resonate within your soul. This triumph takes us all, as a species, as a collective cooperative whole, to a breathtaking new expansion. Future prosperity does not justify the suffering that we have endured or are enduring, in this moment.

If I could go back and save myself from the tribulations and sabotaging mindset of my younger self, I would do it. Birth is such a beautifully painful event, and we don’t even remember it. We are plants bursting through soil. That initial thrust into the earth must have been excruciating but so deeply satisfying. If suffering was the true nature of life then why does Life continue to perpetuate?? Through natural disasters and catastrophic loss of entire species- Life still abounds everywhere. Even on some of the pages of religious texts.

We live on a planet that has and is expressing itself through billions of different lifeforms. The disparate extremes of Iceland and New Zealand are a testament to magic in this world. A native inhabitant of these regions, though wholly appreciative of their natural wonders, will most likely never share the same sense of wonder as one who has not seen such things.

It is of profound detriment to all for one not to tell their story before it is completed. To doubt for a second that you do not also have a specific work to do to is of a profound detriment to the entire Universe.

You know that this is truth because it either resonates with or repels within your entire being.

We’ve cast things in piles of good and evil. Clouds and sun can be oppressive masters or offer wonderful relief from heat or cold. We stay too long in the drought places of the soul. There is abundance everywhere you look. I choose to see the beauty even in the ugliest places.

Life abounds in the most unlikely places. Have you ever heard of Earth?

If it is found that Earth is the only place in the Universe that contains life, which I am assured is absolutely false, then we must revel in knowing that within the entirety of the Cosmos, we, are tasked with the privilege of being the lone perceivers and experiencers of existence. And if there is only one life, of which seems ridiculous, then make it the best fucking life you can, and enjoy the splendors of the Earth and of one another.

I enrolled in a philosophy of religion class in college because it sounded interesting, and a bunch of my friends (and two roommates at the time) were also taking the same course, and because it was being taught by Dr. Frazier.

I had taken Dr. Brad Frazier’s intro to philosophy class the previous semester. Which was also the same semester I got into Theta. There was a 6 week pledge period before you could wear your Greek letters. I was definitely proud to be in my frat but Theta didn’t take it as seriously as the other clubs. Those were the real “good ole boys,” clubs- still there was definitely a sentiment of either embracement or disdain of Greek life in college- one I totally understand. I rushed my junior of college, not with the intent to make friends, but because I had begun to develop relationships with the guys in the club. They were and still are some of the best people and friends I have ever known. I bring this up because I don’t think Dr. Frazier took me seriously dressed in Greek letters, which I don’t blame him for lol. That changed later.

In a way a fraternity does become an aspect of your family. The espoused values offer an organization to pledge yourself too. It’s a wide friend group you share a common bond and goal with. The secrecy of the induction process isn’t so much as to keep others out but as a way to share a sacred ritual with one another. It’s akin to the Greece and Roman mystery religions of ancient times.

All cultures have a coming-of-age ritual relating to man-hood or womanhood. The vestiges of these ceremonies are carried out into modernity, we just know them under different names- Bar/Bat Mitzvah, Quincenera, debutante ball, Eagle Scout, Sweet Sixteen. But these rituals don’t carry the significance obtained by performing the sacred primitive rituals of becoming a cisgender man, or cisgender woman- and almost no rituals exist celebrating some other variation of sexual or gender identity.

I knew this moment, in class, was an important moment at the time though, I didn’t know why. Upon recollection, like most things, Philosophy of religion at Lee University- 2006, became the most personally transformative class I have ever taken.

I was listening to a lecture regarding the legitimization techniques theologians use to justify suffering or inhumane practices within the Bible. Because if God said it, “it’s got to be true.”

I remember having a visual image of a large impenetrable dragon in my mind’s eye, and then seeing all of the scales and wings fall away and leave a very large white boned skeleton, in its wake. Imposing and formidable- even in its bare and death state. Then realizing it can now, no longer, hurt you. In that moment I saw this as an allusion to the Christian church and metaphor for its theology. Hollow hypocrisies written into sand runes and parchment.

The pen is indeed mightier than the sword. You can justify cutting down millions of people with just the mentioning of God. Easier to subdue and manipulate the commoners if they already believe they’re lost and cutdown.

We’ve been being brainwashed and forced into self-subjugation for centuries. Those systems are collapsing and afraid of the internet. Afraid that people have discovered their own power. Well, honey, oppressors will always eventually lose, because life is the essence of the Universe- and how can one subdue the Great Creation that goes on with or without us for all time?

It is interesting to note that Western Christianity begins shifting the emphasis of human sin onto Eve in the early centuries after Jesus Christ.

“Male eschatology is built on negation of the mother. Rejection of sexuality and procreation is not merely a function of prudery. Or, rather, antisocial asceticism is itself based on the fantasy, that by escaping the female realm of sexuality and procreation, one can also free oneself from finitude and mortality. The escape from sex and birth is ultimately an escape from death which women as Eve and mother are made responsible. Male eschatology combines womb envy with womb negation.”

I have seen this very behavior play out by observing some of my female friends’ romantic relationships with men. I’ve seen it as an investigator for CPS as well. Men who place the woman they are dating on a pedestal as both mother and sexual partner.

The two great female archetypes perpetuated through history- the Cosmic Mother and the Cosmo Slut. They even have quizzes and inquisitions to find out, just how slutty or pure, you are.

Men resenting their girlfriends for not measuring up to some unrealistic expectation. Blaming the girlfriend for holding him back in his career, in the bedroom. Subduing, wooing, and delighting her with shiny objects and sexual desire.

The men who have not introspectively dealt with their own shadow self means have also not been able or want to integrate the feminine aspects inherent in all men. Anything but sheer brute strength is for ‘sissies’ and ‘faggots.’ The strongest men I know sometimes wear heels and headdresses.

The main purpose of the “Malleus Maleficarum”, or “The Hammer Against Witches“, was to refute all arguments that witchcraft did not exist, refute those who were skeptical about its reality, to prove that witches were more often women than men, and to educate magistrates on the how to find witches and convict them.

This book reflects that Sprenger and Kramer not only severely lacked a sense of humor and were obsessed with sex, but also that they had major issues with women; the book singles women out as the weaker sex, weaker in faith, lustful and easy by nature, and thus easy prey for Satan’s coaxing. The men even went so far as to state the etymology of “femina” (Latin for “woman”) as “fe” (“faith”) + “minus” (“less”), which it is not.

Indeed, the book uses the exclusively feminine “malefica” rather than the masculine (and more inclusive) “maleficus” to denote witches, a strong implication that only women were witches in their eyes. Also, Sprenger and Kramer stated that old women and Jews were most likely witches and should never be trusted.

The women who were most likely to be accused of witchcraft were no longer of child-bearing age, either widowed or never married, had a role in traditional or natural healing areas often involved with childbirth (midwives), and women who were independently wealthy through inheritance or land bequeathment, by a male. (Ugh.)

They were women who no longer served a purpose, in patriarchal society; and even more damning- they were women who could not be easily subdued. They were women who spoke and lived their truths despite persecution and torture. A woman like this would not be able to win presidential elections.

Nigerian Women accused of modern day witchcraft

Last witch burnt at stake in Germany, 1770

I didn’t immediately come out at work for similar reasons and because I was still figuring out if I was gay or bisexual at 27. I always had a secret fear that I could get fired for being gay and working with teens and families. Luckily I had an amazing mentor/boss who is an advocate for LGBTQI people. She made me feel safer than any employer ever has and she helped me come out at work. Gay men might as well be modern-day witches. We’ve received similar life persecutions. I hope that this book helps to end those sentences and not fan the flames even higher.

Women are inherently stronger than men in many areas- even in certain biological senses. The woman who is a mother will fight fiercely for herself and children. If I had to guesstimate I would say that at least 80% of the CPS cases I worked the father or boyfriend was not involved or was a large cause of the issues that caused social services to need to intervene. Honestly it was so much easier to work cases when the problematic male figures were not involved.

The number of cases where the mother or a maternal figure was not involved? Easily, less than 5%. The men who are often leaving have not done or even known they’ve needed to do their self-work too. Maybe it’s out of ignorance, or arrogance, or lack of time/resources. But there is a stigma of machismo within our cultures and subcultures that still see anything relating to emotions or introspection as weakness and vulnerability.

I cannot speak objectively for other cultures, but as a social worker, I saw firsthand the damaging effects of this stigma at work in many families but especially in some Hispanic, Asian, and African-American families. I point this out because this idea of feminine and weakness is so pervasive that it penetrates the lives of some of the most socio and economically distressed population and people groups.

Mental health issues were sometimes not talked about or understood constructively. I’m not saying this simply from the lens of a white educated privilege. I saw this happening time-after-time in the living rooms, the hospital beds, the foster homes of the children and 870 families I worked with, face-to-face, for six years.

I worked cases involving LGBTQI youth through out my tenure and for varieties of reasons. I never disclosed my sexuality to any of the teens or kids I worked with. Maybe some of the older ones could tell or maybe not- and not that it would have been bad for me to disclose this- it’s just that my involvement with these families didn’t involve me being there as an individual but as a social worker trying to figure out how to make sure these kids were safe and how best to help their families stay that way.

I could usually tell which kids may haven been dealing with their own sexuality and gender issues. not just because of the allegations I read about, but because I used to be one of this kids too. There was one kid out of all of them that reminded me of me. He and his two siblings had been adopted by an older African-American couple. He was 12 years old and bi-racial. I was at their house because he had told the school nurse he had allegedly tried to kill himself after his mom found “disgusting porn” on his computer and his mom didn’t care that he tried to harm himself. The allegations didn’t state what the disgusting porn was, but I instinctively knew what kind it was- gay pornography. And when I separately interviews the mother and child I found out I was right.

The kid ended up admitting that he did not try to harm himself and the mother showed me the discharge paperwork she received from the boy’s visit with a mental health specialist. The boy told me that he thinks he might be gay and he wanted to die because of it. I wanted to tell him that I used to feel that way too, and that he wasn’t alone. That he would find his way and he would thrive. I didn’t get to tell him that. I didn’t feel like that was my place to say this to him, given my role in the Texas department of Family and Protective Services.

But as human being I did feel it my duty to acknowledge the same wounds found with in another person. So I told him , thank you for sharing your story with me. It was a brave thing to do. I can’t really explain the details to you and you might not understand this until you’re older, but I want you to know that whatever happens or whoever you become- it gets better. Middle school and High school are hard for so many reasons, but this isn’t the end for you. Don’t give up. If you only remember one thing from out conversation it’s that it gets better.

I had similar conversations with many teenagers prior to and after that interview concluded. I don’t know why that one stuck with me. I had just begun writing this book so maybe I saw myself in him and his stories. To see how young and starting to learn your own strength at 12. I think it was also speaking to his mother, as well. She told me that she would support him if he was gay, but that 12 years old is too young to be dealing with those things. She’s right, in some ways.

I almost let it slide because although I am now aware I am still a product of an environment where sex is seemed as shameful and disgusting. I decided to disclose my sexuality to her.

I told her, “You are his mother, and you know what’s best for your son. I agree with you that 12 years old is way too young of an age for any child to be looking at pornography, and any way to limit that is very important. But kids do find ways around that- so just be aware and don’t think this is something never to be discussed again. I also just want to share something as a person and not as an agent of the state. I was your son’s same age when I started having same-sex attractions. It took me 15 years to embrace it and about 19 years until I was open about it. If I can offer you advice- Just keep the door open and let him know you love him no matter what. Because if you do that he will find his truest self faster and the journey might not be so painful. I didn’t tell your son that I am gay, but I want you to know that I did tell him “it gets better” because it does.”

We both stood there on the front porch steps quietly for a few moments. I don’t know what she was thinking, and I was wondering if I disclosed too much- I always feel like that as it is lol, but this was a professional setting- and I could get reprimanded if she wanted to complain.

Luckily, that’s not what happened. The mother turned to me and thanked me for telling her this and for the work that I do. She told me that she would support her son if he identifies as gay or straight, and that she would try to understand him better. This situation gave me even more impetus to write a book. Most of us have had that struggle. We don’t have to make it this hard anymore.

She asked if she could give me a hug, and I said, “oh my god, of course!” I thanked her for listening and being receptive. I gave her my business card, and told her she could call me if she had any questions or concerns relating to the case or pertaining to her son.

From the time I said goodbye, and left her at the doorway, I haven’t heard from her since.

Matazlan, Mexico

First Garden, Fort Worth, TX- May 2018

Ranger and I, Gatlinburg, TN- Christmas 2017

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