Lone Star

Why is Forgiveness such a painful process? I think it’s the lack of closure that has made the losing of multiple close friendships that made each blow sting harsher. There are so many wounded healers. I’ve been blessed to know and serve alongside of some of the best ones out there. At this point I feel more of a wounded warrior. A medicine man living in his car, on the ground, in hotel beds, with friends, and hostel dorm rooms. I’ve cried the grief away a little more with every place I’ve been to. Just call me the Trail of Queers, darlin’ 😆.

Ryan, Britt, and me at Mount Laguna, California

Mount Laguna, California, 09/30/2018

Instead of hiding Horcruxes I’ve been breaking mine open.

I did not expect this uprooting to hurt as much as it has. I thought the mercurial process was all sutured up with the signing of a 3 month lease, one month’s resignation notice, and a lump sum payout of vacation days and payouts.

I’ve been healing a little in each city. Cracking open my unconscious trauma for just being a human- let alone 2 fucking decades of self-castigation for being gay, the secondary trauma felt by my mother’s own childhood abuse and neglect, and trauma experienced and witness as a first responder for child welfare.

I hope that every human on this Earth knows how much they matter and are worth. It’s okay to not have it all figured out. That’s where the meat of life is- so go after it and become your fullest and best self. Forgive yourself when that doesn’t happen.

We are all in process, my loves!

The shadow work is messy. I have cussed out multiple friends and family members for the years of repressed anger, slights going unacknowledged, the rage of knowing I’ve been taken for granted by some shitty self-serving actions of former friends. Those are all aspects of my own self- but I’ve realized it’s my past self that is dealing with those hangups.

I can’t undo the damage done in a sudden period of acute drastic change. I want acknowledgment of the pain that was caused by selfish abandonment, disloyalty, and ego inflatment. Then I realize I’m looking at you with my ego eyes. The eyes that separate us and close off every opportunity of love until we’re suffocated by our own constricted vocal chords and heart strings.

The shadow,’’ wrote Jung (1963), is ‘‘that hidden, repressed, for the most part inferior and guilt-laden personality whose ultimate ramifications reach back into the realm of our animal ancestors and so comprise the whole historical aspect of the unconscious’’ (cited in Diamond, p. 96). The shadow is a primordial part of our human inheritance, which, try as we might, can never be eluded. The pervasive Freudian defense mechanism known as projection is how most people deny their shadow, unconsciously casting it onto others so as to avoid confronting it in oneself. Such projection of the shadow is engaged in not only by individuals but groups, cults, religions, and entire countries, and commonly occurs during wars and other contentious conflicts in which the outsider, enemy or adversary is made a scapegoat, dehumanized, and demonized.

Two World Wars and the current escalation of violence testify to the terrible truth of this collective phenomenon. Since the turn of the twenty-first century we are witnessing a menacing resurgence of epidemic demonization or collective psychosis in the seemingly inevitable violent global collision between radical Islam and Judeo-Christian or secular western culture, each side projecting its collective shadow and perceiving the other as evil incarnate.”

Working in the shadow I am examining the trenches of my soul. To purge myself of the conscious and unconscious bullshit that I still have ruminating in my thoughts. We are broken into love only when we become brittle. I’m awakening to the sun and feel life bursting in my bones. I forgive you. And I’m sorry.

I had a realization the other day. How can I be mad at you for not knowing how to love or communicate better because I probably could have done the same for you. It’s just the lack of grace on your part which has been so shocking.

How can I stay angry with you

When it all comes down to

We were looking for love in the deficits

And blaming each other for the wins.

We got taught love was outside of us

The walls built themselves there

On their own

Oh beloved

Have you not seen waves

Crashing upon the shore?

Rocks shorn into hard-worn sand.

How much more whittling can either of us stand?

Rocks are formed inside explosions

Rocks will endure, but do they thrive?

I have no answer except

I love you

And I am sorry.

San Diego, California- 09/30/2018

The ego- the separated consciousness the part of the self that gets scared and insecure is not entirely against us.

We are not used to being loved wholly for who we are with our blessings and imperfections. I mean we can’t even agree on the same measurements, best bands. Sports teams or beaches- which is kind of the fun of it all, actually.

We are all contributing ideas, experiences, transmitting messages with our dna without even knowing it. We all have the potential to beam like the sun or devolve into massively powerful black holes. An awakening in the morning is a destruction of the dream life.

Sometimes we get jolted into the reality we wanted we just didn’t expect to wake up to it so quickly. A tearing away of shade and the shock of being flooded by the Light. We never think we deserve the ruby slippers. That only perfect people in fake fairytales and bible stories get to live that life. The belief that myths are fiction is akin to believing that miracles can’t come true. I get driven to great depths of despair and despondent frustration about this.

But That’s still my egoic self sifting through the darkness imbedded in the false sense of safe realities. I’m not kidding when I say im not afraid of anything. I can’t even began to explain that exultation into words and I’ve seen the darkness within that blessed anarchy. Its like the Power of the dark Phoenix being wrapped inside a rage a tempest in a teapot. The capacity for creation will always be greater than our capacity to destruction. Just look at how powerfully we’ve created and destructed through the best and most destructive days of your life.

How long will I sting

You

With this poison pen?

Til I’m young and thin?

Pin the tail

til no one wins?

I curse your name

You settled for bleakness

When you could have had fame

Are you jealous

that I did not do the same?

We plunged the secret ruins

In our hearts.

Did I lose you there amongst the rubble?

Was my gift too much to bear

To share together,

Did we ever share at all?

The days spread out so fastly

Now you’re just

a pin prick

On a map

folded in storage

Back in the town

I used to live in.

Maybe we were two constellations

Big Dipper to the night

It doesn’t make us wrong

But How could you not have seen me?

How could you hold love so far away?

How can I stay mad at ones who stay hidden from love

and from themselves.

Go now,

dance in fields of Stars

Hate me in this moment.

Let cloaked longing

This fire,

burn or smolder

within your obvious

and brutal silence.

In your heart I still beat

because I feel you beating

in mine.

We’re all just works of art

Minstrels disguised

In various states of repair.

Come see me in the moonlight

Feel your soul breathe

when you

go out dancing.

Secret surgeries of the soul

so often happen

in darkness.

I know there is still

Light

within you.

Shine forever,

bright One.

You shine best within your truth.

I wish you well,

Fair well, my love

Goodbye.

One Comment Add yours

  1. Nice one! A heartfelt and authentic innermost witnessing about your life. Indeed the highest form of love is forgiving. 🙂

    Like

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