Chapter 3- Sorry Not Sorry (Totally Sorry)

The timing of this post and a couple things going on in my life couldn’t be more timely. I truly did not intend for it to happen this way. Those of you who have been reading my book, know that this has been chapter 3 for months. I’m seriously mind-blown by your outpouring of support and cannot thank you all enough.

I used to say sorry all the time. Sorry for the littlest things- I still catch myself doing it now, every once in a while, but it’s usually to make a situation less awkward. Life in the South is a constant lesson in shallow politeness. Like yesterday, I walked into my office and there was an older, slumped over, scowl-faced woman hooking up her computer to my work station.

Most CPS investigators work remotely, and to be fair- there were few people in the office at that time so it could have been assumed that workstation would remain unoccupied. She looked at me as I walked into my office and stated with a hint of an already answered question, “Is this your work station.” I politely said, “yes, it is,” and stood there silently waiting for her to get up. I felt confident and empowered that I did not offer her another statement of justification.

My last day as a CPS investigator 6/11/18- Texas

She let out a begrudgingly exasperated sigh which I did not take personally- because I realize the soul crushing aspects of social work all too well. As she got up, I said, “sorry.” This older homely woman did not say anything and just walked out. That’s when I regretted saying sorry to her.

I know I offered this word and sentiment to smooth things over but she should have been the one to say it. That is what exasperates me about the whole situation. I probably wouldn’t even have remembered this exchange were it not that it touches upon a broader theme in my life. I am constantly excusing other peoples’ inconsiderate behavior.

Let’s get something clear, I want to let people off the hook when they mess up. Shit, I want to be left off the hook when I mess up too. I don’t want to hold anyone hostage for affecting my emotions. At the end of the day, I am the only one responsible for how I allow myself to feel about anything and everything.  It’s just so frustrating to see these mole-people trudging around their self-made fucked-up lives and trailing chaos wherever they go.

If you’re going to live as a miserable trash-bag person, with no sense of common courtesy, then please, for the love of goddess, and all of us decent seeing-eye human beings- do you have to do it in a set (I refuse to call them pair) of Dress Barn shoes? There’s a tactful way to be tacky and it’s done in style, grace, and effortless delivery. (see- Dynasty.)

My friend Annie moonlighting as Ringo and Speaking of tacky- me as Batgirl for Drag Karaoke- Fort Worth, TX- 2018.

I came to the realization of why I was so constantly ready to offer up apologies. On an unconscious level I felt like I had to apologize for my own existence. I did not realize this until much later. Until I did grounding work and reaffirmed self-worth.

There are times when you really begin to speak your truth and establish positive boundaries people are going to react either positively or negatively. Much of that has to do with their own or our own expectations of a person and how we view them in our minds’ eye. Generally, I truly like almost everyone I meet. I find every person’s story interesting. Even the seemingly boring people- or those who do not appear aesthetically beautiful. Those are my favorite people to get to know. Those are some of the best people I’ve ever known. (Not saying this about you Annie, you sweet friend 😂❤️.)

I am one of those people who consistently self-speak affirmations throughout the day. I sometimes say them out-loud, not to where anyone else can hear, but if you happen to be walking by- you may see my mouth moving without any indication that there is someone else in on the conversation. Or I’m just a cray-cray. I’m finally (mostly) okay with people ascribing attributes and mislabeling who I am or my intentions.

We are all misunderstood to a certain degree. I hate being misunderstood or taken for granted probably more than most anything else. Sometimes it gets to a point where the more you try to justify who you are to a person you are in conflict with- the less they care or believe you. As hard as it is sometimes the best thing you can do is let the conflict lay low for a while.

I have my fair share of misunderstandings and I’ve come to a point where I tell them- my character speaks for itself in the end. That has honestly brought resolution to some of the conflicts I’ve been in. I’ve had to wait for years in some cases. It takes society even longer to listen to the people who they believe have little value. Those people are the best people on the planet.

Woman and Donkey- May 2018- Mexico City

There is something important, integral, solidifying about speaking words out or onto paper, or song. It gives thoughts and feelings a form. A structure where feelings and thoughts can breathe. Words give weight that my experience is valid. These words- no MY words are valid. Words anchor our experiences unto something greater and real. They go further than we sometimes even realize. Though most of human expression is supposedly non-verbal, it is through words we become a bridge to one another.

To boldly express and live your truth without worrying about negative consequences is the freest way to live. I am slightly jealous of the people who seem to be naturally confident and never felt unworthy.

Even though, in truth, I have always been worthy, I will never know what is was like to have always felt worthy. Perhaps that is part of my work and maybe the work of all us who were not born with a preternatural sense of empowerment.

Ironically, I always felt that I had something of great purpose to offer the world. However, I did not always feel worthy enough to offer it to myself. I hope you feel and believe in your worth and empowerment. And if you can’t do that at the very least, let yourself off the hook- even for just a moment and be

Britt and me at the 352 waterfall we saw in Iceland 😆

I will probably always apologize for other peoples’ inconveniences to me. But I will never again apologize for who I am- consciously or otherwise. To do so would imply imperfection and simply put none of us need chain ourselves to false belief systems.

We are to Break the Violent Fetters like newly freed captives!

The bonds of useless oppression of which we were often and unknowingly complicit with our own undoing. We begin our #selfsabotage as children because we were taught to not trust ourselves as soon as we began to walk.

Take of your bed and leave to go forward to the glorious new life that you will create and was intended for you. You are so much more worthy than you even know.

We are miracles, consciousness wrapped in flesh. You are deserving of the richness that Life has provided for every creature and being on this Earth.

So be it.

Yosemite National Park, 09/26/2018

Why do we tend to go in either the exact or polar opposite direction as our parents? I think we are there to help our parents see from another perspective. One of the assets to being gay, or black, or Palestinian, or transgender, or diabetic is that we have to think about our lives in a filtered perception. We see the prototypes on the billboards to who we’re supposed to be and we don’t look like we’re supposed to be. You’re supposed to be White in America. You better support the troops, and oil for war, and grabbed God’s pussy with a gun. You assume you have always had the final say and perpetuate this in your intellectually insecure defense about something to do with sex, and now you have to pass a law to deal with a forbidden desire you didn’t know you wanted. 🎤

. . . . .

I did not purposefully rebel against my parents. I respected my parents and wanted to make them happy. My dad would take me to get a haircut at Pro-Cuts and ask for “All-American” cut. I never knew quite the fuck that meant but I was pretty sure it wasn’t the kind of haircut that would get me a beej.

Are we supposed to feel guilty if our lives appear more aesthetically pleasing (whether true or lie) than someone who is barely making ends meet? Does a star stop burning because it burns brighter than all the others? Like are their big ball giant Ayn Rand constellations chastising the great ones to bleed their brightness coffers dry? Is this privileged entitled new-age Chopra-Oprah bullshit? I am ready to accept my true worthiness and quit hiding behind the often convincing illusion of not being enough. I am kings of cups running over in abundance.

The London Shard, England- October 2017

You are the one who is holding yourself back from intimacy with others. You are causing your own loneliness and isolation. And that’s okay because sometimes you need that to regroup and recalibrate. And sometimes you are just moving on and that’s okay too. Recognizing the difference changes everything. Make sure to give yourself grace either way. My journey is not right or wrong but I can either ease or hinder my path. I chose ease flow hot love alignment and manifestations of it all.

I listened to my intuition more than I ever had. I trusted myself to know the right course. Intuition is a misleading term. I’m coming to realize that intuition is human instinct. Predator, prey, or observer we all have it. Nature causes you to trust yourself because that’s all you have out there. And you get to tune out the world for a while. The Lord of the Rings is my favorite book and movie trilogy. I was always drawn to it as a teenager. Despite disavowing my religious upbringing and irrelevant Levite blood I still found resonance in the archetypal journey from the Tolkein Universe. I always felt a kindred to Frodo. The great ring- a heavy burden to carry alone. To bury alone. I traveled 7,449 miles. From Fort Worth, Texas to Xinzheng, China with my own kind of burden.

With my buddy Josh, Beijing, China- 2008

The times I didn’t trust my intuition were when I probably had the worst screw-ups. Intuition is in-born and will always serve you exactly right where we need to be. Prepaved desires can take more time to manifest depending on how much resistance we have in the desire manifesting. You must remember and tell yourself that what you are working towards will occur. Sometimes if factors don’t line up in that moment things may occur that can lead you to desiring more specifically.

There are signs all along the way that are guiding us to our greatest joys. We just didn’t know that the signs would come from the everyday mundane experiences. It’s both the omen itself and the symbolic nature we associate it with that show us our way. We line up with/co-create with the symbol- for confirmation. Like a butterfly fluttering down the path you needed to go down and instinctively knew. And it may very well be self-fulling prophesy or confirmation bias. There seems to be more and more synchronicity happening in my life. It makes me know that I am on my path.

The detours in our lives are part of our destination. Sometimes we circle back around our home planet and that’s completely perfect. Sometimes we go to orbit a star for a few rotations until we’re ready to be our own star. It is okay that we are not manifesting everything we will become because we find out what we really want out there in the darkness.

Sunset into Night, Mazatlan, Mexico- May 2018

There are answers in the shadow aspects of inner selves. My first tendency is to run from pain. That is a common trait among all peoples of the human race. It’s a feature that spans beyond the human species to all species. The pleasure principle is at work in most every known cellular molecule we know of. We want to increase our abundance and enjoyment. We want to feel good in our bodies, minds, and relationships. The converse of pleasure is pain, and we all do our best to avoid pain. We do things we don’t want to do to make other people happy. We go to jobs we don’t want to do because we need to keep the lights on, food in our bellies, lovers in our beds. The pleasure principle is a great and satisfying motivational apparatus. It’s what keeps population growth going. It’s what keeps the creatures of this planet going.

There is a lesson in the shadow. The integration of the shadow in oneself is important and key to our continual development. It is imperative we see our faults, insecurities, and fears as part of ourselves- instead of pushing them away. In doing so we deflate the negative power associated with the shadow. We are able to more clearly define who we are and what we want. We will be able to stand on our true worth and ground when we know thyself more fully.

I tried acid for the first time recently. Don’t worry I had already quit my job lol. That trip taught me to embrace the light of love and beauty. It showed not fear the dark places in our minds, for there we find anxious feelings and thoughts nestled in their hidden nooks of the brain and cockles of the heart. It was a secret poison and now the jig is up.

Having a shadow or looking at it doesn’t negate the goodness within ourselves. Being able to look at the tough places within us reveals maturity and growth. We just don’t need to stay in the shadow. Light shone onto the dark recesses of the minds and caves means we are no longer unaware and can change our behaviors to ones that serve us more effectively. The light can only ever be dimmed. It is with us always.

Thoughts on First Communion:

My bronze heart melted into gold,

yolk split open onto stone and gravel.

my core gushed forth,

brazen in its alchemy

Like jars of wine spilling outward

inside the ecstasy of wind

scattering sunlight

across your face;

bursting over the dams

we had both erected.

Violent fetters could never

Imprison love for long.

I’m always stacking bookends

onto false ledges of the Universe.

And She keeps leaping forward

with boundless expectation of the glorious new.

Just now I remembered

We are dreaming

Creation into existence.

This moment is a monument

dedicated to the eternity of expansion.

Like one kiss upon your mouth

It would be enough to know

that I would want to kiss you brightly

and for forever.

Love is water carving blood into our veins.

I have inner canyons that showed me.

Truly, We are the psalms of life.

Mt. Hood on the highway- June 2017

One Comment Add yours

  1. John Bence says:

    Very inspiring and very well written!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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